


control freak

by Amber_Flicker



Category: K (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I don't need to explain that tag, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Panic Attacks, Pre-Series, Self-Hatred, Trust Issues, vent fic, what could be considered unrequited sarumi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-04 21:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14028756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amber_Flicker/pseuds/Amber_Flicker
Summary: Fushimi Saruhiko is an expert at freezing people out.Some people are just too stubborn for that to stop them.





	control freak

Fushimi Saruhiko didn't do friends.

He froze out anyone who ever tried to get close to him. Because close relationships were _dangerous._ The world was not kind and Saruhiko was not easy to like. He'd known that since he was very young. He didn't like most other people anyway, so it was fine. He wasn't whole anymore, hadn't been for a very long time. Some days he didn't even feel alive; it was easy enough to go through the motions, and no one even noticed the difference, because no one _knew_ him. And you could control the person you showed the world, could control your environment, but you couldn't control people, not really. So friendships never ended well. They either left, tired of dealing with you, or they only tried to be your friend because they _wanted_ something from you. Or worst of all, you destroyed them. Because everything he touched fell to ruin, didn't it? 

 

His father had made certain he learned that lesson.

 

The thing was this; the only person who had _ever_ managed to get close to him was Yata. And if he'd been any less determined, if Yata hadn't pushed and pushed until he broke through, if he hadn't kept putting up with Saruhiko even though he constantly tried to pull away, he wouldn't have even had that. Having just the one friend was great, until it wasn't. Because if anything managed to take that person's attention away, you were left with nothing. You had no one left who knew your past. You had no one who actually _liked_ to be in your company, instead of just stayed with you because they had to. You lost the only thing that kept you from tipping over the edge. 

That was the problem he'd found himself faced with. And then, well, there were really two options open to him. Stay and keep letting himself be ignored, watch his only friend drift away. Or leave. He refused to call it running away, even if that was exactly what it was. Leave and hope that somehow you might regain that person's attentions, whether good or bad.

 

So he left.

 

It was the kind of reckless decision he didn't usually make- because he neglected to consider the fact that it meant losing the only person who could help him through... this. Because Saruhiko didn't do friends. No, he didn't. He'd done his very best- and his best was good, he at least had the confidence in his abilities, if not himself- to shut everyone at Sceptre 4 out. He knew he'd been going through some form of grieving, had been more on edge than usual for a while now, and he supposed that was what triggered the panic attack. He'd honestly hoped he was done with these. He hadn't had a panic attack in... months. But that was before he left. That was before everything fell apart.

Saruhiko tried his best to pull himself together. Go cold again, so he didn't have to feel any of this. It had never worked before, and it wasn't now. He hated this. He hated being out of control and he hated that he wasn't good enough for anyone and he hated _himself-_

The world came to a standstill. Panic spilled in like fog clouding his mind. The voices around him blurred and his hands shook and he couldn't seem to breathe. It reminded him of the way he could never breathe around Suoh Mikoto, the way his mind had lit up with alarms and smoke and heat and how it _burned._

He thought, perhaps, that was why he'd never really fit in with Homra. Saruhiko was terribly unstable, had no problems causing chaos, but he didn't _burn._ His fire had burnt out too long ago and been replaced with ice. It was never that he particularly cared what side he was on. He'd cared only about being with the person who made him feel just a little bit less frozen. The red clan had no room for winter.

 

(maybe he was just a natural disaster disguised as human; maybe he should just leave and never come back. it would be so, so easy.)

 

It was usually easy enough to keep it under control until he could let it out in a productive way, like he'd done since leaving. And, well, if he'd broken down on one particular night after one particularly draining conversation, whilst he tried to prevent a burn getting infected, no one could bear witness to that fact. He should be over it all by now, shouldn't even _need_ something to keep him stable because it had been _years,_ he wasn't a child anymore and no one could hurt him. Not like that. He'd done so well keeping everyone out that there was no one left who was close enough to hurt him emotionally (or so he told himself). And he had enough power and ability now to destroy anyone who attacked him. He was safe. _Safe._ Saruhiko knew that, yet he still never felt like he was, even when he was all alone in his room. 

 

And it was fine. He'd always had to deal with it alone _before,_ he should be able to adjust to doing it again. He just wished it hadn't struck _here._ He wished he didn't have to have these damn feelings at all.

 

Clearly he'd gotten too out of practice at hiding the signs, because- "Fushimi-kun?"

"What?" He'd intended it to come out sharp, but the strain in his voice dulled that blade considerably. Of all times for the king to come check on his subjects-

"Is something wrong?"

No one had ever sincerely asked what was wrong. If anyone responded at all instead of ignoring him, it was only in mock sympathy. (except _him,_ but he wouldn't allow himself to think about that again, or he'd spiral even further). Saruhiko certainly didn't believe it was sincere this time, either. He focused on keeping his voice steady, on not showing anything more. "Why do you ask?"

"You've been staring into space for the past five minutes." Had he? Munakata's voice went quieter as he added, "and you're shaking."

So he was. He clenched his hands into fists in an attempt to conceal it better. "It's nothing you need to concern yourself with, captain."

"I see. " That should've been that, but Munakata had always been too nosy. Saruhiko should've known better. "Why don't you come to my office so we can discuss the thing I mentioned earlier?" 

It was a thinly veiled attempt to get him out of the room without giving anything away to the others- there hadn't been something they were meant to discuss. If he were someone else, or if he was even more himself at the moment, Saruhiko might have appreciated the gesture.

He took a deep breath to calm himself, exhaled in what he hoped sounded like a sigh, and stood up, the vertigo of the motion almost knocking him back down. "Fine." They walked back towards the office, and he stayed behind Munakata in an effort to stay out of his sight as he desperately tried to keep his breathing under control. He was still on the verge of hyperventilating, and his vision was blurred almost as if he wasn't wearing his glasses, but he managed not to stumble at all. 

Saruhiko didn't even notice that they'd already entered the room and closed the door until a hand was placed on his shoulder. He startled, flinching back from the touch. _Great job hiding your emotions, idiot. Can't even do that right, can you?_ He'd been waiting since he joined Sceptre 4 for the captain to realize he was a lost cause, that he wasn't worth the effort, no matter how good his work was, and he was sure this incident would finally bring it all crashing down. Just when he'd started to _hope_ that maybe things would work here. That should've been a sign he was getting too close. And as he well knew, close relationships were dangerous.

 

Perhaps, he thought bitterly, he could beg Ya- _Homra_ to take him back, after this ended. Where else could he go?

 

He stared resolutely at the floor, didn't dare look up to see the reaction he'd caused. If he didn't care about the people here, then why did he care how they reacted...?

"How about we sit down?" 

Saruhiko couldn't bring himself to reject the offer. He wasn't sure Munakata would've let him refuse, even if he had tried. The man was stubborn like that. But he was dizzy and trembling and _tired,_ and he just wanted the world to _stop,_ so he allowed himself to be led to the more private area of the office and dropped to sit on the mat without a fight. The panic settled in deeper, harder to fight back now that he didn't have so many people to keep up the act in front of. It was so hard to think clearly when he was like this, and that might've been the worst part. His mind was all he had.

"What can I do?" Munakata's voice was careful, like he was trying to keep _himself_ reigned in. He couldn't imagine it was anything but frustration at having to deal with this. At having picked up such a fucked up clansmen. Because it couldn't be concern- never was. Saruhiko didn't know how he'd deal with concern, anyway, it wasn't really something he had much experience reacting to.

"I'm sorry..." God, he hated being vulnerable. Saruhiko didn't _apologize._ "You- You've done enough, you don't have to-"

"Fushimi-kun, look at me." He raised his head. Munakata's expression was soft and worried and it nearly made him burst into tears. As it was, he pushed down the feeling with only a hitch in his breathing. "Tell me how I can help you."

He didn't _deserve_ help, he wanted to say. He'd lost his right for any when he turned traitor, and he hadn't really deserved it even before that. But he was already in too deep- what would it change to be selfish once more? Saruhiko opened his mouth to say something, wasn't even sure what, didn't know what he wanted, but it didn't matter anyway- nothing came out. It felt like all the air had left his lungs.

"Can I touch you?" Munakata asked, and he could only nod. The captain rubbed a gentle hand down his back, and he barely repressed himself from leaning into it. He'd given up too much of himself today already, he didn't want to expose himself any more than he had. He'd yet to stop shaking. "Breath with me." It wasn't framed as a question like everything else had been, but he didn't feel particularly pressured. It wasn't exactly an order, either. Still, he followed along, letting up just another piece of his control as he trusted Munakata to guide him back from the grip of panic. He'd probably be angry at himself later, probably hate that he had allowed himself to open up more than the panic was already forcing him to, but that wasn't something he could worry about now.

Eventually, he felt that he was coming back to himself, and with it returned the desperate need to get this situation back under control. Munakata seemed to recognize this, pulling his hand away and letting the silence sit for a few moments.

"Has anyone ever helped you through these?"

"...Yes." He really didn't want to have this conversation. The panic attack had rubbed his nerves too raw. Emotions were so _messy._

Munakata seemed to figure it out on his own. Saruhiko couldn't decide if that was better or worse. "Ah."

"It won't happen again." Maybe he could salvage his job, if not his unaffected facade. "I... apologize for the inconvenience."

"We both know that's not true." Saruhiko looked up, ready to fight on the matter, but the king continued, "It's not an inconvenience. It's my job to make sure my clansmen are doing okay. You're clearly not."

"I'm fine. I'll get it back under control." Munakata just shook his head, a small smile crossing his face. "What?" He hadn't said anything to warrant that. Damn this man and his cryptic reactions. He'd never truly been able to figure him out, and it was a constant source of irritation.

"Just remember that you're allowed to ask for help."

He was too exhausted from the amount of emotional turmoil he'd just been through to bother arguing again. "Is that all, captain?"

"Yes. Leave when you're ready, not before." Munakata rose from his place and went back towards his desk, leaving Saruhiko to consider this. There was no indication that he was going to be fired- the opposite, really. It was hard to tell with the blue king, but he hadn't seemed upset about the incident at all. He hadn't turned on Saruhiko as soon as he was calmed down again. How was he supposed to deal with that? One more person crushing whatever terrible expectations he had of them, and messing up his ideas of the world along with it? Was it another exception to the rule? Or was he just trying to keep Saruhiko stable enough to continue being useful?

 

...Perhaps, a small part of his mind ventured, people just weren't all as bad as he believed. 

 

He pushed the thought down immediately. He had no time for fantasies like that, he had to stay grounded in reality. Whatever the case, Munakata had helped, and he was letting Saruhiko have another chance to not fuck everything up. He wouldn't waste the opportunity. Next time, he'd handle it better.

After all, if he couldn't at least keep his emotions controlled, if he couldn't keep the walls of ice he'd built around his mind from cracking, how could he ever hope to keep his life from falling apart again? 

He couldn't cut ties again. The first two times had been too hard. He might just break if he had to do it once more.

_You're letting yourself get attached. That's dangerous._

He glanced over towards where Munakata was looking over some paperwork, and wondered if it was really so bad to take the risk.

**Author's Note:**

> ...I very deeply relate to this character. What do I do when I relate to a character? Angst + projecting onto said character.
> 
> This is set pre-series, probably around four-five months after Saruhiko joins Sceptre 4. I had to look up how you're supposed to help people during panic attacks, so hopefully that came off accurately. I've had them, but I haven't had the experience of someone helping me with them, so.
> 
> This is primarily a character study, so there's no real shipping. If you want to consider it pre-slash, go ahead. If you want to believe he'll eventually get with Yata, that's okay too. It's open to interpretation. 
> 
> Find me on tumblr! My writing blog is cliches-and-coffee and my anime blog is at a-logicalruse


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